The Rain, The Cubicle and Football
It was a rainy evening. The skies were grey and the ambience was dark. Despite that, there were people bustling about in the streets, not the faintest hint of gloom. But that was outside. As he alternately looked out of the window and checked his wristwatch, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for himself. He kept wondering about life outside his cubicle, outside his huge office building. He reminisced of the times when he could just get drenched in the rain like that, not a care in the world, well, except perhaps his school bag would have gotten wet. But, he could hit the pedals of his bicycles faster, touch base at home, drop the bag, change into casuals and go for a muddy match of football.
But that was 15 years ago. He reprimanded himself quietly for letting his thoughts wander randomly down the lanes of nostalgia. He knew there was something missing, something very close to him, as if an integral part of his personality, in his, what he now thought was, monotonous, robotic, 9–5, apartment-office-apartment, working in an MNC, life.
He soon started analyzing his situation, what his life had come to, at this particular point. He was relaxed today, just having given a major presentation, updating his leadership about his team’s progress and future work. He remembered some people from the same leadership being so intimidating on his campus interview day. He was instantly reminded of a joke his friend had cracked when the interviewers walked in, thru the corridors (calling them Imperial Storm Troopers) in their suits, carrying their briefcases and sling bags, in their professional-looking hairdos and glasses. His soon to be support staff carried the company banners and a lot of papers.
He was confident of himself that he could answer almost any technical question he could expect to be asked. And yet he was anxious about the interview. He had already appeared for a few of them earlier that day. But this was one of his dream companies. He did not want to fall short in any way. He, again, couldn’t put a finger on what the root cause of his insecurity was.
He could feel that he was close to an answer to that. But the sinking feeling would overwhelm him every time, just like on the interview day. He pushed those thoughts to a corner and appeared for the interview. He did well, got selected and soon, forgot that he still had to introspect about that anxiety, which he was finally doing only now, in his cubicle.
He was pulled into another string of memories of the time he was about to appear for his JEE examination. This was the most intimidating day of his 16 year life, a day he was almost taught to dread and fear, for a solid 4 years by then, by teachers, friends and other batchmates. He was a brilliant kid in school. That was the reason he had chosen to prepare for JEE, in addition to the state-level engineering entrance examination. After 2 years of intense training, he was finally at the juncture where he would fight the battle, at last.
Looking behind, he realized that that situation was even more critical than placement day. He could appear for multiple company interviews, spot rounds would eventually open up. Worst case scenario, he could float his resume to companies on LinkedIn or he could opt for off-campus companies. But for JEE, he had one chance. One. He had made up his mind to go through that kind of pressure only once. He would go to whichever college he would get, based on that year’s scores. He was not going to repeat.
His exam was at 9 am. He remembered that he had woken up at 6 am that morning, without an alarm. He remembered that the tea that morning was a tad too sweet, because the taste had lingered in his mouth for some time. He was feeling surprisingly calm that day. He had repeatedly been instructed by his teachers to do whatever it takes to maintain his health, both physical and mental. He remembered being glad that at least he was not ill during that phase, which would probably have been just the worst thing.
Then, he couldn’t help but think, thank heavens there was no coronavirus, all those years ago. He felt bad for the kids, as he saw them feel something very similar to how he had felt in every such situation, where he was at the door to some new phase in his life.
He pitied the poor students, whom he did not want to suffer that feeling for much longer. Their tests had already been suspended indefinitely, and they also now had to worry about the virus, in addition to all their exam load. He could not imagine what it would be like, for him in their shoes. He was afraid of that restlessness, that anticipation, that excitement. It was like a buildup in a symphony, where the tension just kept rising. He would probably wait and wait and keep waiting for the resolution but it just wouldn’t come. He would just be stuck in a limbo, unable to get anything done.
He reached for his now cold cup of green tea. He took a sip and realized that the teabag was ripped and the leaves had spread all throughout the concoction. He swallowed some of it and its intense minty flavour unsettled him. He wanted the kids to relax, he wanted their ordeal to end. He didn’t care how it happened. He wanted the government to just postpone their tests, since the virus still rampaging through the country.
He had seen a few social media posts regarding a supposedly student demand to postpone JEE and NEET. He immediately started think about what would really happen if that was done. Apart from whatever burden this would cause to the administration the next year with twice the candidates, he wondered what it would be like to waste one precious year and still eventually land up in a cubicle in a high rise building in the industrial district of a metropolitan citym while staring at others “living the moment” in the rain. At the peak of his moment of self-pity, a realization hit him.
The answer to his inexplicable restlessness, anxiety and sinking feeling, that had eluded him for so long, was visible at last. It was his fear of the uncertain. He realized that he could handle failure and he could certainly handle success. What he was afraid of, really afraid of, was actually the feeling of uncertainty.
He did not have the answer to how to defeat this extremely formidable enemy within, but he had figured out, multiple times, how to keep it at bay. It was by engaging himself in a meaningful activity, like studying complex concepts ro testing his understanding or introspecting on new ways to solve problems.
He felt a wave of relief wash over him. He felt elated, having put to rest a ghost he had now carried for so long. He also came to terms with the fact that his situation was not as bad as he thought. He hadn’t gone out in the rain fearing damage to his possessions. He left all his belongings in his cubicle, as he saw his watch strike 5 pm, and he went near the lift, calling his colleagues, who instantly acquiesced. It was just like the muddy football match when the rain hit his nape as he drenched in the rain.